Today is weird. The last month has been weirder. It’s been about a month since the bf and I broke up. Today he left Los Angeles to start his journey to his new adventure in London. I’m not one to try to stay friends with exes – but I think the scariest aspect of ending our relationship was thinking about never seeing each other or speaking again, so I was open to it. It’s pretty incredible the way everything has played out. As hard as the last month – which feels like 3 months and also a day at the same time – has been, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it any other way. From taking time to process everything together, to taking time to process things apart, to checking in on each other, to spending a last few days together. I’ve cried a lot, but also learned a lot. My hope in this, and always, is to help even just one other person going through something similar not feel alone. So here goes,
I’ve been through breakups before, but none like this one. Nothing horrible happened to end it. While I won’t get too much into specifics, I do feel compelled to share some thoughts. I gladly shared posts about us and our adventurous travels together, which makes me want to talk about this.
First of all, do whatever feels right to you. This is YOUR life and what someone else thinks about your decisions really doesn’t matter.
Time is a weird thing. Some days I feel like we broke up 3 months ago and other days it feels like just yesterday. I am beyond grateful for the time we spent together processing all of our feelings the 2 immediate days after. I was able to ask and say every little thing that popped into my head to him, instead of going home and immediately overthinking everything. It felt so adult and mature, but it’s truly what came naturally for us. If it’s a situation where it makes sense and you can muster the courage to do the same, I highly recommend this. This also helps make you feel a little less alone in your feelings.
If you plan to try to stay friends, take time away from each other first. Be very vocal about your boundaries and if anything starts to feel icky, you can always cut ties! You always have the ability to decide you actually don’t want to stay in contact. It’s very important to constantly feel it all out. Your intuition and gut are your best friends.
We did start seeing each other again very soon after the break up, which would have been a different time frame if he wasn’t moving away so soon after. During his last week in LA we spent a good amount of time together. Though some moments were difficult, I treasure those days and memories we shared. Through it, I feel we’ve grown closer in a different way.
Everyone will want to know “what happened” and you get to choose how little or how much detail you would like to share, or if you don’t want to at all. It can be therapeutic at times, but also it can be exhausting. Everyone will have their own advice and opinion, but take it all with a grain of salt.
Love is hard. And relationships are work. We’re all told both of these things, but also love isn’t enough & both parties need to be willing and able to constantly work on the relationship. Even though you love each other and love spending time together – something else could be off or the timing could be wrong.
Stay busy, but also give yourself space and alone time to really FEEL. Yes I’m strong, but it’s also okay not to be strong at times. It is MOST important to feel all of the emotions — cry, be sad, be angry, whatever comes up — really feel it. And talk about what comes up, when you want to.
Be gentle with yourself. There will be days that you think “It’s all good. I’m totally okay!” and then the next day every thought about them makes you cry. The things I still get most sad about are no longer having him as a travel buddy and plus 1, our cuddles and affection towards each other. It’s a bit of a struggle looking through photos and memories as I write my travel guides for the places we went and shared together. While right now the memories are the hardest part to think about, I know I will be grateful to revisit them in the future.
No matter what your relationship looked like, I know one of the scariest parts about it ending is the thought of “starting over” with dating. I’ve had to keep telling myself that whatever is supposed to work out, will work out and I will eventually end up with whoever I am supposed to end up with. There’s no forcing these things. A close friend told me that after a breakup, she was told to think of it as “being lucky enough to have the chance to fall in love again”.
This is all fresh and I know there will still be ups and downs through all of it, like anything else in life. Through every relationship I’ve been in — I’ve learned about myself, my worth and what I truly deserve. One of the things I thanked R for was showing me what a healthy relationship could actually look like and what I’ve always deserved. It’s insane the things you think back on from previous relationships, that you put up with. I’m really taking this time for self-development, truly believing in my worth, and loving on myself.
I will leave you with a quote from a book I am currently reading that really made me feel more at peace:
“What you are going through is perfect. It will cause you to move toward the growth you are to experience, gaining the understanding or learning the lessons that are necessary for you to learn in this life.” – Karol K Truman, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
Corey, Miss Foodie Problems